ADHD, love and relationships.

Now let me start by saying I don’t have this sussed. My relationship is work every day, but, I think that’s what is needed and I don’t think that’s something to shy away from. 

My partner and I both have ADHD, gasp, cry and sigh. It’s very tiring at times and delightful in others. Here are some of the things I’ve learned along the way and some tips and tricks that may help ease the chaotic tornado of love and misunderstanding that ADHD can cause. 

Emotional dysregulation is real.

There will be days when you are overly sensitive to criticism or you or your partner have a reaction to some stimuli that doesn’t match the tone or situation. For us ADHD’ers not all feelings are facts. Hold back on going to war and try to find some space and focus on your breath. Mindfulness techniques, specifically ‘grounding’ techniques are a fantastic way to ground yourself, come back down and then revisit a situation more clearly. But most of all, don’t feel bad – you aren’t feeling like this on purpose, the only thing you can do is work to bring yourself back to calm and then communicate with your partner.   Read more about this here. 

Tolerance will vary.

Some days we are more stressed and overstimulated than others – check in with your partner, start to notice their tells and know when your partner might be struggling. That’s when it’s time to be the bigger person and step up and support them. If they’ve annoyed you but you can see they strung out and on Strugglesville, swallowed your pride and your knee-jerk reaction. Ask them how they are feeling, break it down with them and see what you can do to help.

And be sure to convey your needs back to them. You can support, but you also need support. You and your partner need to yin and yang this balance throughout your relationship.  

Take care of your environment together.

Set a calm atmosphere, light a candle and keep your home as welcoming and warm as possible. Cultivate the atmosphere you want and this will bleed into you and your partners evenings. Spritzing some lavender oil on the sofa never hurt either. Just trust me on this one. My partner and I tell each other when we have ‘clocked out’ which means no more work talk, we light a candle dim the lights and start making dinner and by that, I mean he starts playing FIFIA (it helps him focus his energy and relax so I don’t mind at all).  

Have a safety word.

Ok, not like that (but you do you). In this sense, you need a word that will communicate to your partner that you are becoming too overwhelmed and need a quick time out. Mine is cucumber, mid-argument, mid chat or just feeling claustrophobic – ‘cucumber’ tells my partner I just need to have five minutes to avoid overreacting or becoming worked up. No harm no foul. You come back together naturally when you feel levelled out. This works both ways and can do wonders for couples. 

Get a therapist.

Couples therapy isn’t for people facing divorce, it’s for learning how to understand each other and communicate effectively. It is such a positive thing to put time, love and money into developing tools to help you and your partner thrive together. It’s a luxury as it can be costly, but if you can afford it I strongly recommend you try it out!

Chloe Gunn

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